I am an adoptive mother who has been ‘parenting from a distance’ for the last four and a half years. I reflected on what being ‘parented from a distance’ might mean to a child or young person, with a group of adoptive parents. These were our thoughts about the issues and concerns for our children, speaking as parents:

Issues and Concerns

• Anxiety levels increased due to compounded sense of being rejected/unlovable/worthless
• Anger and blame
• Unsure of how to relate to variety of professionals involved with care
• Easily ‘guided’ by ill-informed professionals
• Relationships with peers affected in care environment and education due to jealousy/competition
• Inability to form and maintain friendships
• Issues of others in care environment impact on day-to-day life
• Continuing trauma leads to ‘meltdowns’ i.e. inability to control impulses: violence, verbal aggression, damage and/or destruction of property
• Engagement with ‘unsuitable’ peers/young people
• Makes poor choices in terms of behaviour (stealing, lying, smoking, drug/alcohol use)
• Allegations against peers, carers, parents
• Lack of opportunity to give and receive affection regularly
• Chances of rehabilitation diminished by delays in appointment of social workers, misinterpretation of the needs of the family, failure to implement actions from LAC Review in a timely manner
• Life Story work seems to stop
• Sheer volume of record keeping over an extended period of time means professionals have very limited view of case and therefore deal only with what is in front of them
• Extremely high turnover of staff means a lack of consistency of care
• Liaison between various agencies spasmodic due to high workloads and limited availability
• Misuse of Section 20 over extended periods
• Contact with adoptive family not always facilitated due to limitations in staffing, staff holidays, ineffective communication, distances between family home and placement
• Professional carers’ lack of understanding of attachment, the impact of trauma and other related issues leads to view that parental capacity is poor. This leads to a disrespectful attitude towards parents which is picked up on by adoptee
• Parents need to return to full-time employment as benefits such a Child Benefit, Tax Credits and DLA are lost. This makes contact difficult and attending meetings almost impossible. Seen by professionals as being ‘difficult’
• No explanation of what the legal status (S20, Care Order, Wardship) means or discussion of best route. Care Order used as a threat if parents don’t agree with professionals’ decisions
• All evidence relies on reporting by professionals, therefore, when complaints are made the evidence only reflects their point of view
• Lack of respect between professionals from various agencies, criticisms make parents feel their children are not getting the best available care
• Total and complete lack of any support for parents – feeling of demonisation
• Unilateral decisions made by professionals when Section 20 is in place
• Decisions made with finance in mind rather than what is best for the child
• Simplified versions of events recorded which taken out of context can be misinterpreted
• Part 4 of the Children Act 1989 states “The grounds for the application are that the child(ren) is suffering or is likely to suffer, significant harm and the harm or likelihood of harm is because the child is: – not receiving care that would be reasonably expected from a parent, or -is beyond parental control.” No option which doesn’t apportion blame to parents.